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Rüya Gibi Başlayan Kabus…

Bundan yıllar önceydi. Bir rüya gördüm. Kabus da denebilir. Aslında ne olduğu o kadar da önemli değil.

Rüya bu ya, ben Sirkeci tren garının oralardayım. Herkes 1930’lardaki gibi giyinmiş. Erkekler, fötr şapkalı, takım elbiseli, kol düğmeli kravatlı, ellerinde şemsiyeler, ayakkabılar pırıl pırıl. Kadınların, belleri incecik, kloş diz üstünde etekler, kısa topuklu ayakkabılar, ellerinde eldiven üstlerinde geniş yakalı ceketler, başlarında çiçekli şapkalar. Onların da ellerinde şemsiye var. Hava hafif bulutlu…

Bir an kendimi film setinde gibi hissettim. O bildiğiniz Sirkeci o Sirkeci değil çünkü. Arabalar şu eski siyah Amerikan arabaları, şimdikilerin ancak düğünlerde kiralayabildiği türde, pırıl pırıl.

Binalar taşdan yapılmış. Önlerinde uzanan sütünlu kocaman balkonları olan yapılar. Sarı, taş, büyük sütunlar… Ben de, esnafın balkonlara açılan kapılarının önünden, sütunlu yollardan ilerliyorum. Etrafıma bakıyorum, şaşkınım. “Sanırım, zaman makinesine falan girdim” diye düşünüyorum. Çünkü benim üstümde kot, mont, sırt çantası. Durumdan, mekandan ve zamandan gayet kopuk ve şaşkınım.

Bir anda, yoldan geçen birine “hangi tarihteyiz” diye sormak geçiyor aklımdan…

Soruyorum.

Cevap veriyor;  “9 Kasım 1938 saat 17:00”

O ana kadar benim için her şey basit bir macera filminin seti gibiyken, o andan itibaren kabusa dönüşüyor. İçim bir anda sıkılıyor, eziliyor. Ağlamaya başlıyorum ve hayatımın hiç bir döneminde olmadığı kadar, hızla, bacaklarım bedenimden koparcasına, Galata köprüsü üzerinden Dolmabahçe Sarayı’na doğru koşmaya başlıyorum. Nefes nefese, deli gibi ağlayarak. Bağıra çağıra “ölecek, ölecek” diyerek koşuyorum.

İçim sıkışmış bir şekilde Dolmabahçe Sarayı’nın önüne geliyorum. Kapıları yumrukluyorum, demirleri sallıyorum, avazım çıktığı kadar bağırıyorum.

“Ölecek, ölecek bir şeyler yapın, yarın dokuzu beş geçe ölecek, lütfen bir şeyler yapın, ne olur bir şeyler yapın, bir şeyler yapmazsanız ölecek, yalvarıyorum açın kapıları diye deli gibi bağırıyorum.”

O an uyandım. İçim sıkışmış, kalbim deli gibi atıyor, sinirlerim alt üst olmuş, bundan yıllar sonra babamı kaybettiğimde anlıyorum, o rüyadan uyandığımda neler yaşadığımı.

İnsan babasını, Ata’sını kaybedince, her şeyin eskisi gibi olmayacağını biliyor, geçmişin artık kendisi olduğunu, onların devrettiklerini koruması gerektiğini biliyor.

Elinde ağır bir emanet…

Yüzünde ne yapacağını bilememenin sıkıntısı…

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